(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.