Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine