What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?
FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!
1984: is my house bugged??
Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?
I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.
Guess which one you’ll end up with
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number
I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
Google HR: do you have any questions?
Me: if I had any questions, I’d Google it
Google HR: you’re hired
*Calling Chinese Restaurant*
Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”
CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”
Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason…”
I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary