If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, holy shit you have a talking duck put that shit on TV
You say “frienemy” I say “opposable chums”
Every day is Christmas when you’re a forgetful stoner with an Amazon account!
*throws a penny in a fountain*
I wish for there not to be a coin shortage anymore
I ate three McRibs today because I want to read all of War and Peace on the toilet tomorrow
Mary: I think my water is breaking!
*wine splashes all over the floor*
What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?
FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!
1984: is my house bugged??
Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?
I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.