@dugglebutt

What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?

@dugglebutt

FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!

@dugglebutt

1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?

@dugglebutt

I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.

@dugglebutt

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

@dugglebutt

*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number

@dugglebutt

I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

@dugglebutt

Google HR: do you have any questions?

Me: if I had any questions, I’d Google it

Google HR: you’re hired

@dugglebutt

*Calling Chinese Restaurant*

CR: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”

CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”

Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason…”

@dugglebutt

I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary