@dugglebutt

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, holy shit you have a talking duck put that shit on TV

@dugglebutt

Every day is Christmas when you’re a forgetful stoner with an Amazon account!

@dugglebutt

*throws a penny in a fountain*

I wish for there not to be a coin shortage anymore

@dugglebutt

I ate three McRibs today because I want to read all of War and Peace on the toilet tomorrow

@dugglebutt

*Christmas Day*

Mary: I think my water is breaking!

*wine splashes all over the floor*

@dugglebutt

What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?

@dugglebutt

FRIENDS is off Netflix now? Well, this just hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, or even my year!

@dugglebutt

1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?

@dugglebutt

I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.