Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Gross if literal…Liverpool
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.