If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I told my vodka about you.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”