I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
You Might Also Like
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
she has a point
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything