@dumbbeezie

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

@dumbbeezie

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

@dumbbeezie

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@dumbbeezie

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

@dumbbeezie

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

@dumbbeezie

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

@dumbbeezie

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

@dumbbeezie

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”