Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out