Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”