Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Mhm.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now