The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.