Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Employees must applaud the planets.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors