@duplicitron

Tug on my ponytail if you want to know what karate feels like.

@duplicitron

Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.

@duplicitron

Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.

@duplicitron

Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.

@duplicitron

Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

@duplicitron

The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.

@duplicitron

I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.

@duplicitron

*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.

@duplicitron

Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.

@duplicitron

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.