Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
sin harder.