“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber