Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
You Might Also Like
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Good news
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.