I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?