Stupid cats stealing all our women.
It’s weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.
Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can’t go to college.
I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.
A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.
Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:
1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat
Teenage daughter called me an old fart.
We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.
I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.
“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”
Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.