“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.