spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.