If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”