“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it