If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Robin: Close enough
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that