@e4moji

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

@e4moji

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

@e4moji

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

@e4moji

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

@e4moji

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

@e4moji

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

@e4moji

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

@e4moji

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

@e4moji

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that