Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
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Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Geez man, take it easy.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then