Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.