a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening