Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Today’s Times
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.