Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
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My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.