Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.