I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.