@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@edgarrants

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

@edgarrants

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

@edgarrants

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

@edgarrants

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@edgarrants

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

@edgarrants

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.