wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.