wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Just had my nails done!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I love it all
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*