INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.