If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I have a type: disappointing
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.