@eedrk

girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train

@eedrk

Each day I wake up at 6am and

– Send every man in my phone a text that says “what’s up dog — we good?”
– Send every woman in my phone a text that says “So apparently you think I’m an idiot…”

Then I go to the gym for twelve hours

@eedrk

It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power

@eedrk

(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world

@eedrk

“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right

@eedrk

alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why

@eedrk

Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey

@eedrk

[struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]

@eedrk

adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym

@eedrk

ME: ppl call dogs “doggo” now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it
THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else?
ME: no