Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
this is 10/10 content no notes
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*