my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
i think both sides are to blame here
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.