If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Phonetics
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.