Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
This rocks
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Beware of fowl play.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.