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@eeethanford : [awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME
@eeethanford: But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
to be the man who walked 1000 miles
to get away from you.
I want a divorce.
@eeethanford: *Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Please send all your ambulances
@eeethanford: Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?
Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about
@eeethanford: Me: Did it hurt when you fell from Kevin?
Friend: Yes, because Kevin's friggin tall and sucks at giving piggy back rides
@eeethanford: I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.