I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO