My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
This is sending me to another galaxy
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: