The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.