Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.