mentally somewhere in italy
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All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Do you want to taunt a snowman?