I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.