@electrolemon

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

@electrolemon

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

@electrolemon

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

@electrolemon

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

@electrolemon

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

@electrolemon

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

@electrolemon

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

@electrolemon

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

@electrolemon

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

@electrolemon

this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash