One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.