The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Just this preview of the story is enough
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.