Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
#FunnyLife Insects
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.