Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“what’s it like having a sister?”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
good let them take over I have had enough
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.