If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.