@eliyudin

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

@eliyudin

ME: So I… was never invisible?
JAIL DOCTOR: No. That’s why you’re in jail

@eliyudin

I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad

@eliyudin

“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” – Mexican restaurants

@eliyudin

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

@eliyudin

“WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!” “EARTH” “WIND” “WATER” “FIRE” “HEART” “SELF-LOATHING” get outta here Eli “SORRY”