Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*