How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.