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Page of elle91's best tweets

@elle91 : The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

@elle91: [Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren't those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They're pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you'll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

@elle91: Friend: What's wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don't want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

@elle91: Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It's like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

@elle91: [On a date]
Him: I'm really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What's your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

@elle91: [Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

@elle91: I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

@elle91: [On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I'm a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you'd be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

@elle91: This is my cat's medicine.

@elle91: I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying "yeah, of course" every few minutes.